Sunday, September 7, 2008


I thought as I moved closer and closer to the 8-week mark and my appointment that I would gradually start feeling less anxious and more confident about this venture. I'm finding the opposite to be true. I did have a period in the middle where I felt a little more peace, but it seems to be getting worse and worse as the day looms in. I keep analyzing my symptoms--or lack of symptoms--and reading and reading and reading, which is making me more and more and more paranoid.

My last POAS freaked me out, too--at 20 DPO when I took a test, the test line was so much darker than the control line! But the other day when I was feeling paranoid, I decided to take a test to feel encouraged by the dark line and it was just about the same color as the control. I keep reading and Survey Says those tests aren't accurate after six weeks and it is not an indication of my hcg levels.

Okay. But I can't stop worrying about a missed miscarriage. It seems like the mm/c is fairly common, and it's freaking me out. I haven't had a single bout of spotting or cramping or anything that seems troublesome. I wish not having my period come were a sure sign, but now that I know about mm/c, I am terrified of it. I'm so worried that when I go to the doctor on Thursday, I'm going to have a little bean who stuck but stopped growing. I don't know why I have such a doomed feeling--should I trust that feeling and prepare myself or is my mind just playing tricks out of fear?

I know one thing, though... I'm getting so fat already! Mom told me I already look pregnant--awesome. I tried to put on a skirt this morning but I looked ridiculous! I can't have people thinking I'm pregnant before I ever announce it. I haven't been eating that badly so I don't know why my hips are so wide and I'm getting a belly already, but it is not a pretty sight.


StoopidMonkies said...

I found your site threw 2ww. I hope you don't mind (we're both in the april. due date) Don't worry about the mm/c I've had more then my share of them. You just know when something isn't right 95% of the time. Relax (harder said, I know) but thats what you have to do :)

Shannon said...

I'm just catching up on your blog here. I did the same thing (kept a private blog) but ended up never making it public. I can remember going through alot of this just last year at this time! I'm glad your ultrasounds went well. I really felt like everyone would know I was pregnant at MGH before I told them. My clothes seemed to instantly become too tight to wear! Tammie didn't help saying she thought it was obvious too (like your mom I guess). In the end, I don't think anyone really knew before I said but if so, oh well.
Congratulations again!