After a few nauseated evenings about a month ago, I finally bit the bullet and found myself staring at two lines on a pregnancy test... again. I had this feeling all month but I wasn't ready to face it until the symptoms started showing up. I'll admit that I cried a little--Oh heavens, how would I manage two babies 16 months apart when the one I have still has so many extra-special moments. What if I got another colicky baby? Another uncomfortable 8 or so months! Most likely another c-section! And being sick while chasing Eli around... pregnancy would be so different this time around without all the free time I had before for naps and long baths. Now it would mean sleeping in small patches where I could fit it in, no benadryl (too sleepy for night feedings!), no lying on the couch all day, and a new responsibility of carrying Eli around with a big belly in the way and an aching pelvis.
So that was my first couple weeks of fear. Then it started sinking in after I had a visit to the doctor, some nausea meds, and an ultrasound scheduled. I was beginning to adjust to the idea and maybe even get a little excited. Then the first ultrasound rolled around and instead of a white blob and a beautiful heartbeat, there was just black space and silence. I had an empty sac and no baby. Since it was a little early, we took a week to wait and make sure, but there was no progress a week later and bloodwork showed things were not progressing that way, either.
I was sad and shocked. I had been a basketcase with my first pregnancy and couldn't stop worrying. This time I wasn't worried at all, so it was a complete shock to not see what I was expecting to see. It was a difficult week while we waited and tried to find a balance between hope and preparing for the worst. A friend kindly reminded me that all the worry in the world wouldn't change the outcome God had already decided, and somehow that made a huge difference in my outlook and really helped me to accept the final confirmation.
I'm okay. I've had a few weeks now to adjust and although it's a sad thing and I feel like my body has failed me somehow, I'm okay. I feel really peaceful about the outcome, truly believing that the timing can be better the next time and God is protecting our family right now. So, we're okay. Now comes the tricky part--waiting to see if my body will come through and allow things to happen naturally in a timely manner or not. I hate the options of medically ending the pregnancy but it doesn't seem like my body wants to help out. I'm still having no miscarriage symptoms, which I think is common with a blighted ovum--my official miscarriage diagnosis.
I'm pretty sure Eli won't mind having a little bit longer not having to share our attention. And I won't mind having a little bit longer to enjoy my one little darling's hugs and kisses all to myself, either. But I wanted this baby to have at least some place in our family record--so this is the best I can do to say... hello, tiny one, and goodbye.