Monday, December 7, 2009

a little goodbye

After a few nauseated evenings about a month ago, I finally bit the bullet and found myself staring at two lines on a pregnancy test... again. I had this feeling all month but I wasn't ready to face it until the symptoms started showing up. I'll admit that I cried a little--Oh heavens, how would I manage two babies 16 months apart when the one I have still has so many extra-special moments. What if I got another colicky baby? Another uncomfortable 8 or so months! Most likely another c-section! And being sick while chasing Eli around... pregnancy would be so different this time around without all the free time I had before for naps and long baths. Now it would mean sleeping in small patches where I could fit it in, no benadryl (too sleepy for night feedings!), no lying on the couch all day, and a new responsibility of carrying Eli around with a big belly in the way and an aching pelvis.

So that was my first couple weeks of fear. Then it started sinking in after I had a visit to the doctor, some nausea meds, and an ultrasound scheduled. I was beginning to adjust to the idea and maybe even get a little excited. Then the first ultrasound rolled around and instead of a white blob and a beautiful heartbeat, there was just black space and silence. I had an empty sac and no baby. Since it was a little early, we took a week to wait and make sure, but there was no progress a week later and bloodwork showed things were not progressing that way, either.

I was sad and shocked. I had been a basketcase with my first pregnancy and couldn't stop worrying. This time I wasn't worried at all, so it was a complete shock to not see what I was expecting to see. It was a difficult week while we waited and tried to find a balance between hope and preparing for the worst. A friend kindly reminded me that all the worry in the world wouldn't change the outcome God had already decided, and somehow that made a huge difference in my outlook and really helped me to accept the final confirmation.

I'm okay. I've had a few weeks now to adjust and although it's a sad thing and I feel like my body has failed me somehow, I'm okay. I feel really peaceful about the outcome, truly believing that the timing can be better the next time and God is protecting our family right now. So, we're okay. Now comes the tricky part--waiting to see if my body will come through and allow things to happen naturally in a timely manner or not. I hate the options of medically ending the pregnancy but it doesn't seem like my body wants to help out. I'm still having no miscarriage symptoms, which I think is common with a blighted ovum--my official miscarriage diagnosis.

I'm pretty sure Eli won't mind having a little bit longer not having to share our attention. And I won't mind having a little bit longer to enjoy my one little darling's hugs and kisses all to myself, either. But I wanted this baby to have at least some place in our family record--so this is the best I can do to say... hello, tiny one, and goodbye.


Ronni said...


And your body has certainly NOT failed you.

...carrie... said...

♥ u

Kimmie said...

Oh, Shannon, I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. You've got the right attitude, though--hang in there!

Beth P. said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. You sound as though you are handling things well. You did nothing wrong, that I am sure of. Hang tough, keep being so strong!

Angie said...

I am so sorry Shannon. I like the advice your friend gave you about not fretting over what God has decided. Sometimes these things happen just to open our eyes to new possibilities. We always try to plan things out, but every now and then, God reminds us that his plan is what matters most.

dkinner7 said...

I am so sorry, Shannon, and I'm praying for you and Josh. And please know it is not a goodbye but a 'see you later' as you will get to hold this precious baby in heaven someday. Love you, Shannon!

Peppermint Patty said...

My sister went through the same thing, so if you need to ask her any questions, let me know and I'll hook you up on FB.

Just remember that God will work all of this out and you can use your testimony to help other "sisters" feel they are not alone.

Love you! <3

Sacred Cupcake said...

oh the picture of the test is so sad :( Just wasn't time and I'm still praying that all the physical issues that go along with this are relieved soon. You're a wonderful mom and I'm sure there will be another addition to your family, when it's the right time. Take care of you and that little family you have!