a little goodbye

After a few nauseated evenings about a month ago, I finally bit the bullet and found myself staring at two lines on a pregnancy test... again. I had this feeling all month but I wasn't ready to face it until the symptoms started showing up. I'll admit that I cried a little--Oh heavens, how would I manage two babies 16 months apart when the one I have still has so many extra-special moments. What if I got another colicky baby? Another uncomfortable 8 or so months! Most likely another c-section! And being sick while chasing Eli around... pregnancy would be so different this time around without all the free time I had before for naps and long baths. Now it would mean sleeping in small patches where I could fit it in, no benadryl (too sleepy for night feedings!), no lying on the couch all day, and a new responsibility of carrying Eli around with a big belly in the way and an aching pelvis.

So that was my first couple weeks of fear. Then it started sinking in after I had a visit to the doctor, some nausea meds, and an ultrasound scheduled. I was beginning to adjust to the idea and maybe even get a little excited. Then the first ultrasound rolled around and instead of a white blob and a beautiful heartbeat, there was just black space and silence. I had an empty sac and no baby. Since it was a little early, we took a week to wait and make sure, but there was no progress a week later and bloodwork showed things were not progressing that way, either.

I was sad and shocked. I had been a basketcase with my first pregnancy and couldn't stop worrying. This time I wasn't worried at all, so it was a complete shock to not see what I was expecting to see. It was a difficult week while we waited and tried to find a balance between hope and preparing for the worst. A friend kindly reminded me that all the worry in the world wouldn't change the outcome God had already decided, and somehow that made a huge difference in my outlook and really helped me to accept the final confirmation.

I'm okay. I've had a few weeks now to adjust and although it's a sad thing and I feel like my body has failed me somehow, I'm okay. I feel really peaceful about the outcome, truly believing that the timing can be better the next time and God is protecting our family right now. So, we're okay. Now comes the tricky part--waiting to see if my body will come through and allow things to happen naturally in a timely manner or not. I hate the options of medically ending the pregnancy but it doesn't seem like my body wants to help out. I'm still having no miscarriage symptoms, which I think is common with a blighted ovum--my official miscarriage diagnosis.

I'm pretty sure Eli won't mind having a little bit longer not having to share our attention. And I won't mind having a little bit longer to enjoy my one little darling's hugs and kisses all to myself, either. But I wanted this baby to have at least some place in our family record--so this is the best I can do to say... hello, tiny one, and goodbye.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and it makes me hug my little boy a little tighter today, even though we haven't had a good night's sleep in four days and he got his dinner all over his clothes tonight straining to look out the window instead of at the spoon.

It's ironic, because I just found out today that one of my friend Carrie F.'s twin boys died from SIDS yesterday. I'm so heartbroken for her and her family. I'm feeling so sad today thinking about what they are going through right now missing their little Brendon.

I'd also like to remember Baby Kaden, another of Eli's birth-month buddies who is in the arms of God right now. And I want to include here all the babies who have gone before and come after Kaden battling CDH.

To the families of babies I've followed online, such as Nolan, Mary Grace, Maxton, Ireland, and Brooke, I'm praying God's presence is apparent to you today.

To all my friends who have lost their precious babies in this life, I'm honoring you today with my thoughts and prayers. This life was short, but their lives in the arms of their Creator will last forever.

due date

Today was supposed to be our big day! I never thought the day would come, and now it's here and Eli is already more than 5 weeks old. Man, I am so glad it's over. At 1am last night, my phone went off and I didn't recognize the ring. I picked it up and realized it was the countdown I had set for the baby's due date the day Josh and I left the OB's office after my very first prenatal appointment when we saw a fluttering heartbeat.

I had my postpartum appointment today. It felt kind of funny to tell my OB all about my delivery, since it seems like he should have been there! He cleared me to do anything I want except sit-ups. Oh, darn.

34w5d - delivery mind games

Well, I've sure been through it today.

Last night was bad in L&D and Eli failed his NSTs. So I had to come back this morning for more tests and when he failed again and then failed another test too, they decided I would be having this baby today. Since he is definitely breech, I spent all day gearing myself up for this c-section. They got the IV in (ugh!) and shipped me to another hospital by ambulance (ugh!) to have it done.

The ambulance ride freaked me out but I was at least mentally preparing myself for what I was facing. Then I get here and they start the tests over again! They decided they don't want to trust the tests I already had done, so they had to do their own. They repeated the test, which of course he failed, and then they decided to admit me overnight so they can repeat the tests in the morning (just like I did this morning for last night's tests!).

So I'm here in my room. I have had more pokes and prods and I HATE this IV. I can't wait to get it out. I hope I can sleep tonight, but I'm so nervous about what tomorrow will bring. I was at least amped up for it and now I feel like I have to start over with the freaking out. We really thought we'd be bringing home a St Patty's Day baby!

Josh is sleeping on the couch. Poor guy worked all night and then was up with me at the hospital all day. I'm still trying to update all the million people we told we were having this baby today.

34w - more hospital time

Man, I am getting really sick of the hospital!

After Tuesday's ridiculously high numbers, my doctor called and wanted me to go back in Wednesday for more monitoring. I also had to get a steroid shot in my butt to help develop Eli's lungs in case he has to come early. Josh was able to take me, and that really helped with the anxiety. We were there about 2.5 hours, so he was pretty antsy by the end but we survived. The shot was a little scary but it didn't feel too bad.

My doctor was there to talk to me yesterday, which really helped. He made me feel a lot less anxious about everything. He will be ready to deliver at 36 weeks if my BP keeps getting higher. He seems to think it will but he isn't sure how fast it will happen. At 38 weeks he will induce. That will be the week of April 9... my mom's birthday! She's been hoping for it so it's funny how that worked out to be a real possibility.

I had to go back today for the second shot. This one hurt a bit more than yesterday's, but at least it was in the other cheek! :) I'm done with the shots now and hopefully we're getting some super lungs going in there. Since I failed my kick count test, I had to get back on the monitor again today. Argh! I was only there an hour, though, which is a definite record. And as long as they keep their promise, I don't have to go back until Monday. I am so glad to have a few days off from the hospital!

So I'm back on the couch with a symmetrically sore bottom. I'm so glad my doctor told me the couch was acceptable. Stuck in bed all day and night was pretty miserable and it was only one day! I'm still supposed to be lying on my side all the time, though.

I guess I'm glad it's almost over! Now I'm getting a little scared about delivery, though, since it's coming up so soon now! It feels so much more real than it has up until now.

Oh, and as for why Josh wasn't answering his phone the other day: He was sleeping upstairs and his phone was on silent downstairs. I agree, not a great excuse, but at least he wasn't ignoring me. :)

33w5d - bedrest

Since Little Dude is giving me high blood pressure and elephant feet, I was set to start bedrest today after a little wrap-up at the office this morning.

I went back to the hospital for more monitoring this afternoon and had a miserable time of it. I think I started out stressed from work and I was anxious to get done. So my BP was high right from the start.

Then, since it was high they had to do bloodwork :( So I have two more holes and of course that had me crying and a mess. Then my BP went up even more. Then they said I had to wait an hour for my lab results, and I wanted to go home! My phone was dead so I couldn't call Josh and I started getting pretty anxious and then I couldn't stop crying. They told me if I couldn't calm down they wouldn't let me go home b/c my BP was 174/101! When your BP is dangerously high, the machine beeps so the nurses know... it kept going off every time and that sound was making me more anxious and scaring me so I just could not calm down. I called Josh a hundred times from the hospital phone and he never answered, which was making me both mad AND upset. Finally I talked myself into rolling over and trying to just go to sleep to see if that would help. It took awhile but I managed to finally get myself calmed down and after 45 minutes with consistently better numbers they finally let me go home. I was there about three and a half hours this time.

BUT now my doctor put me on strict bedrest. :( I have to be in bed lying on my side at all times, except to go to the bathroom and eat. I'm not even allowed to be on my back. And I'm not allowed to drive anywhere and they wouldn't even let me walk to my car... I had to ride in a wheelchair. I felt like such a dork.

So now I'm home trying to comply. It's been like two hours and I'm already bored and lonely and sick of being on my side. And I'm not sure how I'm going to eat since Josh won't make anything but peanut butter sandwiches and mac n' cheese. Hello, sodium!

The doctor told me they like to deliver by 38 weeks, so if I hit 39 and haven't gone yet, they'll probably induce then. I'm a little anxious now to know it's almost time, but I think the next couple weeks are going to seem even longer than the last 33.

33w1d - an evening at L&D

I had a regular OB appointment today, but I was planning to show my elephant feet and see what they had to say.

I pulled off my socks and ended up at the hospital.

My blood pressure was 166/94, there was protein in my urine, and of course, there were my feet. The doctor looked at them and made a face I wish I could reproduce here for you. She said I needed to go to Labor & Delivery right away so off I went.

As soon as I went in, there was that hospital smell and it instantly made me feel sick and nervous. It was okay, though. They put me in a room and hooked me up to some monitors to watch the baby and take my blood pressure over and over. I also had to have a blood draw (wah!) and it wasn't as lucky as the last time. This time I got three sticks before the evil woman got a vein... including one in each hand, which really hurt!

My blood came back okay, so my liver is functioning (always good news). But my BP didn't go down enough and I still had tainted pee. They sent me home with a jug to pee in for 24 hours and I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow for more monitoring. It sounds likely that I'll end up on bedrest, which is better than the alternative: a very early delivery. Hopefully that won't have to happen, but she did say it could.

I guess I'm going to put my elephant feet up and go to bed.

32w1d

I forgot to tell you all I passed my GD test!

I went back in this week because I've been so sick and couldn't seem to shake it. I got some more antibiotics (round 3!) and they seem to be helping. It's improving now, thank goodness, and I really hope it sticks this time! Anyway, while I was there I asked the doctor if he had my results and he just said, "yep, normal." I was so shocked I almost fell off the table. I told him how surprised and excited I was, so he told me my number was 115, and it takes 140 to fail. So... woohoo! I am so relieved and excited. Thanks, everyone, for letting me fuss about it!

In other health news, check out my cankles.

31w2d - made it!

I survived!

I went back to the room and the nurse told me I could pick lemon-lime or fruit punch. I was all disappointed because I had asked a lot of people and decided on the orange! I went for fruit punch, and it actually just tasted like kool-aid. It was cold, which I think really helped, and it was okay. The worst part was just having to drink it fast. She gave me a few minutes to get it down. I felt a little dizzy from it, but it could've been nerves, too. So that part was okay.

Then I headed over to the lab at the hospital. I went to check in and told them I wanted to start with Louise. They said she leaves at 2:30 on Fridays, and that was when I started with the crying. When the not-Louise nurse came to get me and told me to sit, I gave her the rules. I will cry (she could already tell this part), I have to lie down, I'm a big baby so be gentle, I need a butterfly needle, use my right arm, and no digging. So she took care of all my requests and then got it in one stick! I was so shocked. When I felt it go in and then noticed she wasn't doing anything, I said "is it flowing??" and she said "yep!" and I could not believe it. No one has gotten my vein in one stick in years. When she pulled it out and band-aided me, I thanked her for being so nice and told her I loved her.

So that part is done. Now I wait until Monday afternoon for the results to find out if I have to do it all over again... x3. Let's pray I passed! Thanks for thinking of me today :)

31w1d

Just a day short of 9 weeks left. People keep asking how much longer and then say "that long!?" when I answer. That sure isn't helping it speed by.

I have my glucose test today to check for GD. It should've been a few weeks ago but I was sick and then they had to push it back because of the steroids they gave me for the bronchitis. So it's this afternoon at 3:40 and I am dreading it. I have a hard time with force-feeding myself nasty liquids, so I hope that part isn't too bad. But I'm most worried about the blood draw... and of course the test results.

Every time I go for a blood test, it's the same. I sit in the waiting room and try to hold it together. But then my eyes defy me and start pooling up with tears. I fight them back and try not to look around. I'm sure everyone has noticed. I wait and wait. Then the door opens and they call my name, and the tears spill over. I look up at the woman and start walking toward her and she gives me a "you poor thing" look, and then the real tears start. They let me lie down in a room. I try to tell her I need the best nurse they have, and she just pats me on the back and says she can do it. Then, of course, she can't. She tries one arm, usually both, before she goes looking for the best nurse, just like I told her to do before I had extra holes in my skin and at least five minutes of sobbing ago. Then they bring in Louise, my favorite, who tells me not to worry, that men are bigger babies than children (I always get this same story), and then talks about her kids. She gets it in one stick in my right arm, and I face the other way, trying to calm down the hysterics. She tells me to wait to sit up, so I do. Then she hugs me and I thank her for being so nice. I leave all hole-y and puffy faced and can't imagine having to do it again next time.

So I know what awaits me today, and I'm really not looking forward to it.

Then if I fail this test, I get to do the three-hour test, which is far worse, including fasting, more nasty drink, and four blood draws... I'll have more holes than ever.

29w3d

After being pretty sick for more than a week, I'm finally feeling human again. After I posted last, my infection became bronchitis and I was having a lot of trouble breathing without my inhaler. Regular doctors seem afraid to do anything to treat a pregnant woman, so I finally called my OB. Right away she said I needed help breathing and prescribed me some steroids for my lungs. Thank goodness! I started feeling better about a day and a half later, and now although I'm still coughing and congested, it feels great compared to the breathing problems. That was really scary!

After working one day all week, I'm so behind at the office. I wanted to go in this weekend to try to catch up, but I just didn't have the energy. So tonight is my last evening of my couch weekend, and tomorrow it's back to the piles of work waiting for me. So I'm trying to enjoy my lounging.

Speaking of lounging, let me tell you a story about my husband. My husband, usually a good and generous man, has now complained at me twice for wearing his t-shirts and "putting boob marks in them." Come ON! I can't believe he's even serious. It's not like they're special shirts or anything... just plain old lounging t-shirts. Mine don't fit me anymore, and my husband won't let me wear his. Am I being silly to find this annoying and selfish? Maybe it's hormones, but I don't get it.

One of my April-moms girls had her baby this weekend. Eight weeks early and still 4lb9oz! He seems to be doing well. It sure makes it seem real to know Little Dude could be here before too long! It's exciting and scary at the same time. I guess I should start reading some birthing books...

28w4d

I felt Eli's hiccups for the first time a couple days ago! I've heard it's possible to feel them but so far I hadn't. Then one morning I was lying on my side and I started feeling a steady poking. At first I was thinking it was kind of weird that he was kicking me in such a perfect, quick rhythm, but then I realized it was hiccups! I was amazed. For the first couple minutes, I loved it. Then after a few more, I started feeling bad for the Little Dude. Then after a few more, I started feeling bad for ME. It went on for a long time and I had a hard time getting back to sleep. Still, it's pretty amazing. All the little signs of life are so special.

I'm sick as a dog. A certain stepchild of mine gave this to me. It started with a sore throat but it has progressed and now I am really, really miserable. Today is day 5 of sore throat, hacking cough, chesty phlegm, runny nose, and maybe most importantly, not sleeping. I'm so exhausted but I can't go to sleep or stay asleep. I'm finally going to the doctor this morning. I called at the stroke of 8am, but I still didn't get an appointment until 10:30. I've been up for five days, and two hours feels like forever. Pleeeease just give me some drugs!

27w6d

Since it's been awhile, here's a 28-wk picture. I think I weigh as much as the snow plow running outside in the parking lot.

27w1d

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether people really want to know the truth when they ask how I'm feeling.

I answer the question at least three times a day--sometimes more--and more often than not, it's a stranger asking. It seems to be a standard question to ask a pregnant woman. Most of the time, it's accompanied by a finger pointing at the belly.

I usually give a fairly standard answer... something not completely untrue, like "Oh, okay. Tired. Ready to be done." I could just say "great!" or even "pretty good" but I feel like a liar. I wonder how many of those people actually really care how I'm feeling or if it's just something to say. I think I know the answer. But one of these days, I might just unload the truth on one of these strangers and say something like, "Terrible, actually! I haven't slept well in weeks. I can't get comfortable in bed without a pillow between my legs, and even then I get up to pee every hour. And most of the time I can't fall asleep because I have reflux and restless legs. My crotch is aching and walking really hurts. Peeing so much means a lot of handwashing, which means my skin is chapped. That hurts in the cold. I can barely manage to put my own socks on, and shoes with laces? Forget it! And there are still so many weeks of torture left..."

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy and grateful to be pregnant. But there are 90 days left and I am cooked... that's the other question strangers ask me numerous times a day... "how much longer?" " Also accompanied by the pointing finger.

24w

After quite a hiatus, I'm trying to get some umption back in my blogging gumption. Everything has been so crazy with the holidays but it's time to settle back into real life. Now it's January and only 16 weeks to go! That makes it sound so soon... and yet my discomfort makes it seem like a lifetime.

We had a good Christmas. Josh and I stayed home and it was really nice. He gave me a diamond journey necklace and I was pretty surprised! We picked up Noah and left for PA on Saturday. It was nice to see the family. Josh got to go to the Steelers game with Dad and I got to see Jill. Now we're back home for a couple restful days off before starting the grind again on Monday.

Pregnancy-wise, I am in complaining mode. I'm in a huge amount of pain--pain that was previously just discomfort. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but it feels like my pelvic bone is cracking in half. It hurts to walk, sit, stand, ride in the car, sleep, roll over in bed, walk up the stairs... for a couple days, I found that standing on my head helped. I assume it jolted him out of his position. But suddenly that isn't working anymore and it just aches constantly. I have an appointment on Monday and I am anxious to tell the doctor. I really hope he has some kind of suggestion for me. I can't imagine being more uncomfortable as he gets bigger and the idea that I might be in this kind of pain for the next 16 weeks makes me want to just sleep through the rest of the pregnancy.

In happier news, Eli has been kicking around a lot and this morning Josh finally got to feel him moving. He moves a lot but catching Josh and Eli both awake and in the same place at the right time hasn't been easy. He was all over today, though. He moves the most in the morning and right before I go to sleep at night.

Oh, and over Christmas break, Josh decided he was ready to announce the name. He was planning to play some kind of trick and swore me to secrecy for weeks but I guess he gave it up.

21w3d

I felt the first kick from the outside tonight!

I was sitting on the couch with my laptop when he kicked the computer. I saw it bounce! Then I've been feeling it with my hand all evening since then. It's so exciting!

21w

I'm still waiting for my second-trimester burst of energy.

It's 21 weeks today and as the last couple weeks have passed I've started to actually feel pregnant. Suddenly I'm getting up five times a night to pee, I'm running to the bathroom half the day at work, everything makes me cry, I'm starting to waddle now and then (usually after eating), Little Dude wakes me up at least once a night kicking me, and more evenings than not I eat a jar of pickles and/or green olives for dinner.

Feeling him moving has been great! I feel him most in the mornings. I think he wakes up before me and tends to be moving all around as I'm waking up. I like to just lie still and concentrate on feeling it. So far Josh hasn't been able to feel him from the outside, but it shouldn't be too much longer, I don't think.

As far as nesting, I'm trying! But things are moving slowly. We ordered a crib for Little Dude and bunk beds for Noah. Neither will be in for awhile so that will probably feel like forever. Josh has finished the painting and is in the middle of putting up the chair rail right now. I have the baby's bedding ready, but I'm still shopping for Noah's.

I guess that's all for now.

20w - all is well

Everything is fine! The doctor and the tech both looked at everything and said he looks perfect. They seemed a bit baffled as to what the other guy was talking about in his report. The doctor said maybe they saw the umbilical cord or the gall bladder and thought the dark spot might be fluid. He showed me all the places the fluid should be and said everything looks great. So... whew!!

I am tired from the stress but so relieved. It's annoying that they scared me like that, but I did get to see Little Dude for awhile and that was great, too. We got a perfect view of his boy goods, confirming that he, in fact, is a dude.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and thoughts and encouragement!

Here's a thumb-sucking picture for you:

19w6d - prayers for Baby

I got a voicemail to call the OB today, and before I even called them back, I was freaking out. I knew something was wrong because the nurse left me her number to call back and didn't say anything else on the message. I was crying before I called... and after, too.

She said the report from my 3D u/s (the gender scan) said to check the abdominal area for fluid. The nurse wasn't sure if it meant there was fluid in my abdomen or Baby's, and that the report was really vague. They are sending me to a specialist for a level-II ultrasound. It was originally scheduled for Monday, but Josh called and got it moved up, so it will be tomorrow at 3.

She also said they didn't see anything on the u/s I just had, so I'm hoping this is all just some kind of fluke. If not, I hope it at least is a problem with me that can be fixed and not a problem with Little Dude.

I'm really scared but trying to be hopeful that by tomorrow afternoon, all this worrying will have been for nothing. The idea of something going wrong after all this time is just unbearable to me.

Please pray for us! I'll keep you posted tomorrow.

18w5d - a rant and a picture

Well, today was the long-awaited anatomy scan!

And it totally sucked.

I have been so excited, counting down the days to see Little Dude again, and it sucked. The tech who did it was all business and no fun. She just did all the boring measuring, never pointed out anything but a couple organs. We didn't get to see a picture of his goods at all. At the beginning she said she'd let us know if she noticed. Like, how about we TRY? When I told her we were told boy before, she said she was pretty certain she had seen it earlier, but didn't get a good view. He did have his knees together (heaven forbid we get a picture of something even THAT good) but she didn't even poke around and try or anything. The whole thing might have lasted five minutes. She didn't even turn on the sound so I could hear the heartbeat!

The pictures she gave me suck, too. One is a profile, at least, and you can tell it's his face. But it's lame too and the other three are about useless.

I so want to go back to the private place. I don't understand why a tech wouldn't try harder--I mean, she has to know women are excited about this. I'm disappointed that we didn't get to see him moving, get any good pictures, or get to see his penis! And now I won't see him again until he's born... he darn well better be a boy when he comes out!

Anyway, here is his head... I think.